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HE>I

Lately, I’ve struggled with relationships in my life. I’ve struggled with giving the time attention to the people that I love. And I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m getting the quality of friendship I deserve from certain friends. Relationships take work and they are never as simple as they should be. Work, school, distance and stress love to mess with our relationships. And I am prone to letting it happen.

And while my human relationships are extremely important to me, there is one relationship that is facing the most difficulties: my relationship with God. And it is no surprise to me that when my relationship with God is not as strong, my human relationships will suffer as well.

Work and school have taken me away from church on Sunday mornings. And while I’m not a firm believer of “you can only have church on Sundays,” I haven’t devoted the time that I want to prayer or scripture. I have not always been so confident in my faith. I’ve wavered along the way, but I have become to feel strength through Christ’s love. God’s friendship is the best I could have.

I read a beautiful devotion today that really rang true with me. I constantly set goals, create a game plan, and then execute it. This usually happens without evening thinking. I aim to please everyone and complete all of the tasks on my “to do list.” I’ve let God fall off my “to do list.” I am making a vow today to give God the time and attention he deserves. I vow to turn to the best friend I could have, God, with my struggles. For I know he has an even greater plan for me.

“All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”

Peter 5:5-6

Enjoy,

J

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Uncategorized

The Mayflower

Whelp, ladies and gentlemen…

Another one bites the dust. And another one gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust.

I’m trying my best not to be cynical right now and turn this post into a bitch fest…but I guess then it wouldn’t be genuine. PSA: I’m cool as shit. I really am. And I’m very, very, very sincere and honest. I have no filter, whatsoever. My boobs are pretty. And while I am EXTREMELY ditsy at times, I’m an intelligent human being (most of the time). So bad words to you all that don’t see that. I love how I’m trying my best to remain ladylike. And this paragraph has absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of this post. End self-pity speech now.

My lovely, Evan, and I were discussing missed opportunities. Particularly in dating. And I found that topic unbelievably fitting considering the day I’ve had. Let’s just say, the morning started off with an ounce of hurt feelings and a few (but not long-lasting) tears.

“What if?” is the worst question to ever ask yourself. It’s the most pointless question, period. Unless we find ourselves in a working time machine sometime soon, we might as well erase that question from our minds. And personally I’m tired of asking that question.

“What if?” assumes we’re not good enough as we are, right this second. When, in fact, we are. We’re more than enough. Coming from me this is going to sound like a fucking truckload of bullshit, but I do believe we will all meet the one who finds us to be completely and wholeheartedly enough. It just takes time and patience. And therefore I don’t know that I can say our past crushes, or failed relationships are “missed opportunities.” They’re really just sailed ships. So long, farewell, hasta la vista.

I NEVER shave the back of my thighs, I’ve smoked a little weed, and I like organic shit. This hardly makes me a full-blown hippy, however; I do believe that if it was meant to be, it will be. Eventually. It just happens at different times for different people. I am personally sick and tired of seeing every one have babies and get married (even though deep down I’m happy for them). I don’t want to feel that pressure. If I meet the right person and they want to fill me up with their sperm with the possibility I’ll produce their offspring then so be it. If someone wants to get down on one knee and say “Jenn, you’re the coolest fucking chick I’ve ever met, marry me?”, then so be it. But if they don’t, that’s fine too. And if I happen to think “Joe-blow” is the one, and he turns out to be just like all the other shitty guys I’ve dated: see ya never Joe-blow, and have a happy life! That’s how the cookie crumbles. And we can’t change it. It is what it is.

It takes a certain amount of bravery to accept “missed opportunities” as “sailed ships” instead. People break our hearts and “the right one” slips away. A company calls us back with a job offer after we’ve started elsewhere. Miley debuted the “twerk” just a day before we were going to post our own video on YouTube. We realize our passion has nothing to do with our major two years into college. Etc.

The truth is, there is nothing we can do about it and we can either “like it or lump it.” We grow and we learn from these “sailed ships.” They sail away but they don’t dissipate into thin air, they can still teach us valuable life lessons. They teach us to not hesitate when we think we’ve found the one, regardless of the potential for heartache. They teach us to pounce on the opportunities we want the most and fight for them. They teach us to be honest and open with EVERYONE, despite their reaction.

Fuck missed opportunities!

Jennifer’s life lesson of the day: You are enough the way you are. No one else can convince you of that but you. The choices you’ve made are exactly the ones you were supposed to make up until this point. Always be willing to learn and grow from disappointment, challenges and those goddamn “sailed ships.” And first and foremost, love yourself.

Also, I’m falling asleep at the keyboard so pardon my horrific grammar and completely disconnected thoughts.

Enjoy,

J

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Uncategorized

The looking glass

Have you ever felt like someone truly understood you and when they looked at you it was like they could see straight through your skin? This idea that someone can truly see you, and not only see you but understand you is fucking scary. Right? Scary to the point we push ourselves away from those who see us best.

And who the hell gets to decide who we should be attuned to see and understand so well? It seems to me like the ones we see best don’t want us anyways. And the ones that see us best, we don’t want either. And even when we do find “the one,” and they refuse us, what do we do then? Try our best to rationalize their decisions or just punish ourselves daily with the list of “things I did wrong.”

Being able to understand someone on an emotional level matching no other is a simple task, if it’s the right person. However, holding on to that after they’ve gone is suffocating. And I’m personally tired of suffocating. I’m tired of holding on to this idea that I understood someone so well. Yet, they just threw it all away. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining. And I’m sick and tired of it.

Maybe the hardest part is that we understand some people so well that we can then allow them to do what they did to us over and over and over in our heads. No matter how long ago it was, the emotional pain remains. And you’ll never forget that feeling. It stays with you like the scent of your childhood home.  All we can hope for is that the pain eventually turns to scarring and that it becomes just a memory of a feeling.

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Uncategorized

A poem for you 

I wished on a few dandelions for you today

Wishing I could save you, like you saved me 

Was it love?

Or just biding time?

Till the darkness took over

It leaves you, and then it greets you with its sweet temptations 

I wished on a few dandelions for you today 

Hoping this would be the time 

The time is right, I thought you said 

But, wait, that was just in my own head 

I wished on a few dandelions for you today 

And then the rain came pouring down, on my parade 

I am clearly not a poet, but this came to me the other day and I wanted to share. 

Enjoy,

J

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Realizations

Simplicity at its finest 

I haven’t been the happiest human for a long while now. My life is whirlwind of somewhat okay days, bad days, and on occasion a truly good day. I’m currently in graduate school, three hours away from my parents and hometown. I love my program, and wouldn’t change that part for the world, but if I could pick up my university and move it closer to home, things would be perfect. I’ve had my fair share of heartache over the last 5 years. All very different relationships, but one thing all the same: location. 

Home is my safe haven, the place where no one can hurt me. Regardless of the up and down relationship I’ve had with my parents, I could never forget the security I feel around them. At my lowest, my parents’ support never wavered. My mom is always a phone call away while I am at school, but thank you spring break for allowing me to spend the whole week in the same house as her! 

I didn’t make any elaborate plans for the week. I figured I’d just let it play out. Graduate school is no joke! I honestly think I could have spent the entire week sleeping, and I MIGHT have caught up on my long lost z’s. The only commitment I made this week was to a massage on Thursday, and a movie Friday night with my mom. 

Tonight was simply perfect! The weather was incredible, 70 degrees with a slight breeze. My parents and I decided to grill some chicken for dinner. My dad has had a medium sized garden on our farm my entire life, so we had corn on the cob from the garden (of course stock from last summer’s harvest). As my dad was grilling the chicken, we got out the four-wheeler and I rode around a little bit. 

We have a sun room in our house, so we sat in the sun room while we had our dinner. We had grilled chicken, corn on the cob, and delicious crescent rolls (with cheese and bacon of course). We had some great conversation while we ate, and even sat at the table longer than usual to enjoy the moment. 

After dinner my mom and I took a stroll with my puppy, whom by the way got a new bow tie collar that happens to look stunning on him! The sun was low and there was a perfect breeze, and we continued our conversation from dinner. 

We decided to go to a local bookstore and then to Dairy Queen for some sundaes. I got a copy of Still Alice (which I am probably going to start tonight before bed). 

Simplistic evenings like this make life seem so much more reasonable and pleasant. I have become so overwhelmed with battling anxiety and depression, on top of graduate school demands, that I forgot to just enjoy simple moments. If that’s all I take away from this spring break, I am completely okay with that! 

Enjoy and remember the simple things,

J

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Style

Me, today. 

My look today! I thought I’d share, was feeling comfy and cute. The weather is beautiful here in Pinehurst today but unfortunately I have my tax appointment soon. 

Face:

  • Ulta Double Duty Foundation
  • Ulta Voluptuous Volume Macara 
  • Maybelline Gel Liner
  • Ulta “Starlet” eyeshadow from Gilded Gold Pallete
  • L’Oreal I Pink You’re Cute Lipstick
  • Cole Haan Sunglasses 

Hair:

  • Straightened with Ultra Chi Flat iron
  • Capelli New York Stretch Lace Headwrap

Outfit of the Day:

  • Slouchy cargo pants (army green)
  • Basic light brown tee
  • Gladiator style sandal with taupe colored straps 











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Makeup

Baby I got wings!

As I have confessed before I am not a makeup expert, as much as I wish I was. However, I stumbled upon this fool-proof way to do a wing with eyeliner! I couldn’t stop thinking about how easy it would be to do if I just simply had a effin’ stencil. Wellll, I sort of created one on my own.

What you need:

1. Your eyes

2. Eyeliner with a brush! (I used Maybelline gel eyeliner)

3. Tape

4. Scissors

The Steps:

Start with..

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Cut off a small piece of tape. I cut mine in half a second time because I don’t have much space between my eyelash line and my eyebrows.

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Apply the small piece of tape diagonally outward. You can make the space between the tape and your eyelash line as large or small as you want.

Cut another small piece of tape or use the other half if you cut the original in two!

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Place the other piece of tape diagonally outward, this time below the eye. It should make a small triangle with the other piece of tape, and should touch the other piece. I apologize the pictures are not great…I have an iPhone 6 but some days I’m not sure why.

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Apply the eyeliner! You can apply as much as you want, the tape will pick up the extra. Make sure you apply to the entire “triangle” that was created by the two pieces of tape.

Remove the tape! Slowly pulling from one corner.

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And here you go! You have a winged eye! Keep in mind you can apply the tape in different angles to achieve a more or less intense wing.

And with the rest of my makeup done…

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Enjoy,

J

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Afforadable, Foundation, Girly, Life, Makeup, Mascara, Trendy

War Paint

I don’t know much about makeup and I’m not great at applying, however I try. And some days go better than others. Since I don’t have the time to take that I’d like to apply my makeup, using good make up is important for me! figured I’d try my hand at a makeup post, more to come hopefully. I have some new lipstick and eyeshadow to try out.

Foundation

Benefit Play stick Spin the Bottle

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This foundation works as a concealer too. I am a little broken out so I didn’t love the coverage because it felt a little too light. I could see myself using it under a powder.

Ulta Double Duty Nude Beige 

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I love this one! I can’t lie. It is a heavier coverage. It’s very creamy and airy. It leaves my face matte and very smooth looking, almost airbrushed.

Benefit Hello Flawless Benefit Powder “me vain?” Champagne

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This is a great look for when I’m not broken out. I particularly love to wear this in the summer; it feels light and keeps me from getting oily. You can apply heavier or lighter.

Mascara

They’re Real Benefit

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This mascara went on well and washed off very easily. I did not have to use an eye makeup remover. This one defines my lashes versus gives me a lot of volume.

Better Than Sex, Too Face

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The brush is a little to course for me. It goes on decently well, and it coats the lashes others miss. Not my favorite but looks pretty damn good on. It also washed off easily. I don’t know about it being better than sex…

Ulta Voluptuous Volume

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This is my personal favorite when I’m going for a lighter look. It’s not as intense because it’s brown not black. I use this one a day-to-day basis. It doesn’t even feel like I’m wearing my mascara. It goes on very smoothly and I barely have to clean up around my eyes afterward. It also washes off easily.

Ulta Amped Lashes

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There’s nothing wrong with this mascara, especially if you want a cheaper option. It goes on well like the other Ulta brand mascara. Again, it feels very light on. And washes off easily. I do not ever buy waterproof mascara!

Tarte Lights, Camera, Lashes

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This is good a damn good mascara. It’s my go to for going out. It makes my eyes POP! It’s a little more difficult to remove but totally worth it. When I take a little more time, it looks fantastic!

So the verdict is Ulta Double Duty and Tarte Lights, Camera, Lashes!

Enjoy,

J

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Self-Care

It’s all about moi!

As you can probably tell from my previous post, the past few days have not been so kind to me. And it was time for me to be kind to myself! Tonight I had a yummy dinner two of my best friends. We splurged a little, monetarily and calorically. I came home and sat on my bum! I watched several episodes of Pretty Little Liars, ate some ice cream, and shed a few tears.

I decided to take a long bath and watch an episode of the House of Cards’ new season. I am on episode 4 now! Don’t worry! No spoiler alerts! I don’t know about you, but Claire Underwood is my idol. Not only is she sexy as hell but she’s courageous, intelligent and ballsy. I usually have a glass of wine with my bath but I had cheated already at dinner and with my bowl of ice cream.

A bath is such a simple act, but it is overwhelmingly calming. I am currently completing my MSW, and we frequently talk about “self-care.” I hope everyone reading this takes at least one day out of their week to do a little self-care. It can be a 5 minute period, but take every bit of those 5 minutes and devote it to yourself. Until I entered into my graduate studies I never considered the importance of self-care. And if I’m being completely honest, many days go by where self-care is the very last thing on my to-do-list.

Next week is spring break at our University, and acts of self-care are my only plans! I recently took a few items to a local consignment shop and I made a decent amount of money from selling them. I have decided to schedule a massage with my extra cash. This is definitely a splurge for me, but I am oh so excited about it :0!

Here’s my list of self-care acts:

  1. Bath time: With an excess amount of lavender bubble bath and salts. I’ll usually light a candle (a lighter scent) and pour a glass of wine. Depending on my mood I’ll either play some calming music (Evening chill and Totally Stress Free stations on Spotify are great) or my favorite Netflix show at the time.

Cost: $, very minimal. Just grab some bubble bath or bath salts at your local dollar store (see previous post).

  1. A facial mask: My favorite is Peter Thomas Roth Cooling Sulfar Masque. It’s perfect for my skin because I get occasional breakouts, and also need moisture. This is a little self-care while making sure my skin stays clear!

Cost: $$, a little on the pricey side. I saved up my Ulta rewards points and got this beaut for only $10 (originally $40). You can always get a cheaper mask at your local drugstore.

  1. Hair repairing mask: I wash my hair (no conditioner) and do not wrap it afterwards. It’s best to put the mask on your hair wet, not damp. I leave it on all night! My favorite mask is by Joico, K-PAK RevitaLuxe. I do a lot of damage to my hair from styling to coloring. If I use this once a week, my hair stays in good condition.

Cost: $$, around $20. Again having an Ulta rewards card saves me big bucks on this, and I always use my 20% coupon that comes every now and then to buy this. You can also make a homemade mask!

  1. Retail therapy: Yes, I shamelessly added this to my list. I don’t mean I go out and spend hundreds of dollars each time I need me time, but I’ll save up to be able to purchase something I’ve been wanting. The next item on my wish list is the new Benefit mascara.

Cost: $-$$$$, as little or as much as you have/want to spend. Sometimes this means running to the dollar store or saving up over a few weeks for that item I just HAVE to have.

  1. Going to the gym: YES, this is actually on my self-care list. I always feel so much better after I’ve gotten in a good workout. It makes me feel empowered to be doing good things for my body. And work on my booty too!

Cost: $$, yes I pay a monthly fee. However, exercise can be free. One of my favorite things to do when the weather is nice out is to go on a run, it always clears my head.

  1. Have a cheat meal: Or three haha! I love pizza; it’s my favorite “feel sorry for myself” food. And cookies, Tollhouse are the best! Now, I am not promoting food as a coping skill AT ALL. I learned better than that, but don’t hold yourself to some ridiculous standard all the time and enjoy the delicious food on this earth.

Cost: $-$$$$, again you can spend as much or as little as you want. Luckily for me I can get a frozen pizza (California Pizza Kitchen is yum) and cookies for less than $10.

  1. Get my nails done or do them myself: There is something about getting a pedicure that completely relaxes me and makes me feel good. I love having my toes done, I usually never go without painted toes. I also have a LED light at home so I can do gel polish manicures whenever I want.

Cost: $$, depends on where you go or if you do it yourself at home.

  1. Read a book FOR FUN: I really enjoy reading but in graduate school I hardly ever find the time to read for enjoyment. My reading time is usually spent falling asleep on boring textbooks as I try my best to read 3 chapters at a time. I have been trying to read a little every night, before bed, of a book I actually want to read. I’m currently reading Gone Girl and it’s wonderful!

Cost: Essentially free, but I guess the initial cost of the book. By the way there some free books online, if you want to make it completely pocketbook-friendly.

  1. Do some simple yoga: I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing yoga. I would love to have the time and energy to go to at least 3 yoga classes a week but that’s NEVER the case. Try doyogawithme.com. It has great stuff you can do in the comfort of your own home.

Cost: $, free if you do it at home and a class fee if you go to a studio. By the way, if you’re a student most studios offer a discount.

  1. Tell yourself “I love you”: I do not do this nearly enough, and maybe if I said it more I’d start to believe myself. We are all beautiful human beings doing the best we can in our lives, so drop the 24/7 pressure and tell yourself how much you appreciate the things you do!

Cost: FREE

  1. Say “thank you”: Taking time to appreciate what we have is such an eye-opening experience. I would never diminish anyone’s struggles, or my own but this really helps me put my situation into perspective. I may have gotten a 70 on a test but I worked my ass for that 70. I may be feeling a little down because someone hurt me, but I have a beautiful puppy to put a smile on my face.

Cost: FREE

  1. Call your mom: It doesn’t have to be your mom but call someone you love, and tell him or her that you love them. My Mom is my best friend and biggest supporter. Whenever I am feeling a little blue I know I can call my mom. Things are gonna get brigher, and Mama knows best, always.

Cost: FREE, well I guess the phone bill should probably be paid 😉

Please try and remember yourself, and thank your body for supporting your beautiful life. I hope this give a few people inspiration and feel free to share your ideas of self-care!

Enjoy,

J

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Emotions, Hurt, Life, Loss, Love, Pain, People, Realizations, Relationships, Sadness, Substance Abuse

Liar Liar

I lied to you. Yes, that’s right I lied to you. I told you that I thought you were good, deeply good and that you were a wonderful person. You’re not. You’re cruel and you’re stupid. How many times can I let you back in? How many fucking times until I get it?  I have to say that I hope this is the time that makes it clear.

I supported you through anything and everything. I supported you through your mood swings, your substance abuse, your dis-ability to keep your dick in your pants. And above all, I loved you and trusted you. You threw that away. And for what? A subpar life, and remaining ignorant to your fucked-up-ness.

You need help. Help I’d never be able to give you. You’re unstable, and you fucking realize what you had and lost, yet are unable to fix yourself. You’re unable to do shit in order to make this relationship work. You’re unable to treat me like a fucking human being. You took me round and round on your emotional roller coaster. And I fucking loved every minute of it.

What the fuck is love though? I have no idea. I clearly didn’t love you, because by saying that I was under the impression that you actually fucking loved me back. OH WAIT. You do, supposedly, but what’s that to you? Nothing.

I’ve decided that someone needs to create a word meaning the ability to love and hate someone at the same fucking time. Because I love you, God I love you, but I hate who you’ve become. Do you even know who you are? Probably not. I’m sure that I know you better than you know your own self. Fuck that. Grow up, figure your shit out and do something.

It’s like you died, but you chose to. You chose to give up, and do what was easy.

You’re a piece of shit human being who uses people to get you through things. You used me to get over a shitty girl you forced yourself to date for three fucking years. You used my vagina. And you used me when you were feeling sad, because you knew I was the only who would understand.

Good luck finding the connection we had. Good luck finding a love like ours. Good luck living your life normally ever again. I hope you think of me every fucking day, and I hope you crave me. And I hope you eventually shed a tear.

You asked for closure? So here you go. You’ve given me plenty, too many times.

So goodbye asshole. And I sure as hell hope you’re happy, you chose this life.

Enjoy,

J

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