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HE>I

Lately, I’ve struggled with relationships in my life. I’ve struggled with giving the time attention to the people that I love. And I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m getting the quality of friendship I deserve from certain friends. Relationships take work and they are never as simple as they should be. Work, school, distance and stress love to mess with our relationships. And I am prone to letting it happen.

And while my human relationships are extremely important to me, there is one relationship that is facing the most difficulties: my relationship with God. And it is no surprise to me that when my relationship with God is not as strong, my human relationships will suffer as well.

Work and school have taken me away from church on Sunday mornings. And while I’m not a firm believer of “you can only have church on Sundays,” I haven’t devoted the time that I want to prayer or scripture. I have not always been so confident in my faith. I’ve wavered along the way, but I have become to feel strength through Christ’s love. God’s friendship is the best I could have.

I read a beautiful devotion today that really rang true with me. I constantly set goals, create a game plan, and then execute it. This usually happens without evening thinking. I aim to please everyone and complete all of the tasks on my “to do list.” I’ve let God fall off my “to do list.” I am making a vow today to give God the time and attention he deserves. I vow to turn to the best friend I could have, God, with my struggles. For I know he has an even greater plan for me.

“All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”

Peter 5:5-6

Enjoy,

J

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The Mayflower

Whelp, ladies and gentlemen…

Another one bites the dust. And another one gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust.

I’m trying my best not to be cynical right now and turn this post into a bitch fest…but I guess then it wouldn’t be genuine. PSA: I’m cool as shit. I really am. And I’m very, very, very sincere and honest. I have no filter, whatsoever. My boobs are pretty. And while I am EXTREMELY ditsy at times, I’m an intelligent human being (most of the time). So bad words to you all that don’t see that. I love how I’m trying my best to remain ladylike. And this paragraph has absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of this post. End self-pity speech now.

My lovely, Evan, and I were discussing missed opportunities. Particularly in dating. And I found that topic unbelievably fitting considering the day I’ve had. Let’s just say, the morning started off with an ounce of hurt feelings and a few (but not long-lasting) tears.

“What if?” is the worst question to ever ask yourself. It’s the most pointless question, period. Unless we find ourselves in a working time machine sometime soon, we might as well erase that question from our minds. And personally I’m tired of asking that question.

“What if?” assumes we’re not good enough as we are, right this second. When, in fact, we are. We’re more than enough. Coming from me this is going to sound like a fucking truckload of bullshit, but I do believe we will all meet the one who finds us to be completely and wholeheartedly enough. It just takes time and patience. And therefore I don’t know that I can say our past crushes, or failed relationships are “missed opportunities.” They’re really just sailed ships. So long, farewell, hasta la vista.

I NEVER shave the back of my thighs, I’ve smoked a little weed, and I like organic shit. This hardly makes me a full-blown hippy, however; I do believe that if it was meant to be, it will be. Eventually. It just happens at different times for different people. I am personally sick and tired of seeing every one have babies and get married (even though deep down I’m happy for them). I don’t want to feel that pressure. If I meet the right person and they want to fill me up with their sperm with the possibility I’ll produce their offspring then so be it. If someone wants to get down on one knee and say “Jenn, you’re the coolest fucking chick I’ve ever met, marry me?”, then so be it. But if they don’t, that’s fine too. And if I happen to think “Joe-blow” is the one, and he turns out to be just like all the other shitty guys I’ve dated: see ya never Joe-blow, and have a happy life! That’s how the cookie crumbles. And we can’t change it. It is what it is.

It takes a certain amount of bravery to accept “missed opportunities” as “sailed ships” instead. People break our hearts and “the right one” slips away. A company calls us back with a job offer after we’ve started elsewhere. Miley debuted the “twerk” just a day before we were going to post our own video on YouTube. We realize our passion has nothing to do with our major two years into college. Etc.

The truth is, there is nothing we can do about it and we can either “like it or lump it.” We grow and we learn from these “sailed ships.” They sail away but they don’t dissipate into thin air, they can still teach us valuable life lessons. They teach us to not hesitate when we think we’ve found the one, regardless of the potential for heartache. They teach us to pounce on the opportunities we want the most and fight for them. They teach us to be honest and open with EVERYONE, despite their reaction.

Fuck missed opportunities!

Jennifer’s life lesson of the day: You are enough the way you are. No one else can convince you of that but you. The choices you’ve made are exactly the ones you were supposed to make up until this point. Always be willing to learn and grow from disappointment, challenges and those goddamn “sailed ships.” And first and foremost, love yourself.

Also, I’m falling asleep at the keyboard so pardon my horrific grammar and completely disconnected thoughts.

Enjoy,

J

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The looking glass

Have you ever felt like someone truly understood you and when they looked at you it was like they could see straight through your skin? This idea that someone can truly see you, and not only see you but understand you is fucking scary. Right? Scary to the point we push ourselves away from those who see us best.

And who the hell gets to decide who we should be attuned to see and understand so well? It seems to me like the ones we see best don’t want us anyways. And the ones that see us best, we don’t want either. And even when we do find “the one,” and they refuse us, what do we do then? Try our best to rationalize their decisions or just punish ourselves daily with the list of “things I did wrong.”

Being able to understand someone on an emotional level matching no other is a simple task, if it’s the right person. However, holding on to that after they’ve gone is suffocating. And I’m personally tired of suffocating. I’m tired of holding on to this idea that I understood someone so well. Yet, they just threw it all away. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining. And I’m sick and tired of it.

Maybe the hardest part is that we understand some people so well that we can then allow them to do what they did to us over and over and over in our heads. No matter how long ago it was, the emotional pain remains. And you’ll never forget that feeling. It stays with you like the scent of your childhood home.  All we can hope for is that the pain eventually turns to scarring and that it becomes just a memory of a feeling.

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A poem for you 

I wished on a few dandelions for you today

Wishing I could save you, like you saved me 

Was it love?

Or just biding time?

Till the darkness took over

It leaves you, and then it greets you with its sweet temptations 

I wished on a few dandelions for you today 

Hoping this would be the time 

The time is right, I thought you said 

But, wait, that was just in my own head 

I wished on a few dandelions for you today 

And then the rain came pouring down, on my parade 

I am clearly not a poet, but this came to me the other day and I wanted to share. 

Enjoy,

J

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Realizations

Simplicity at its finest 

I haven’t been the happiest human for a long while now. My life is whirlwind of somewhat okay days, bad days, and on occasion a truly good day. I’m currently in graduate school, three hours away from my parents and hometown. I love my program, and wouldn’t change that part for the world, but if I could pick up my university and move it closer to home, things would be perfect. I’ve had my fair share of heartache over the last 5 years. All very different relationships, but one thing all the same: location. 

Home is my safe haven, the place where no one can hurt me. Regardless of the up and down relationship I’ve had with my parents, I could never forget the security I feel around them. At my lowest, my parents’ support never wavered. My mom is always a phone call away while I am at school, but thank you spring break for allowing me to spend the whole week in the same house as her! 

I didn’t make any elaborate plans for the week. I figured I’d just let it play out. Graduate school is no joke! I honestly think I could have spent the entire week sleeping, and I MIGHT have caught up on my long lost z’s. The only commitment I made this week was to a massage on Thursday, and a movie Friday night with my mom. 

Tonight was simply perfect! The weather was incredible, 70 degrees with a slight breeze. My parents and I decided to grill some chicken for dinner. My dad has had a medium sized garden on our farm my entire life, so we had corn on the cob from the garden (of course stock from last summer’s harvest). As my dad was grilling the chicken, we got out the four-wheeler and I rode around a little bit. 

We have a sun room in our house, so we sat in the sun room while we had our dinner. We had grilled chicken, corn on the cob, and delicious crescent rolls (with cheese and bacon of course). We had some great conversation while we ate, and even sat at the table longer than usual to enjoy the moment. 

After dinner my mom and I took a stroll with my puppy, whom by the way got a new bow tie collar that happens to look stunning on him! The sun was low and there was a perfect breeze, and we continued our conversation from dinner. 

We decided to go to a local bookstore and then to Dairy Queen for some sundaes. I got a copy of Still Alice (which I am probably going to start tonight before bed). 

Simplistic evenings like this make life seem so much more reasonable and pleasant. I have become so overwhelmed with battling anxiety and depression, on top of graduate school demands, that I forgot to just enjoy simple moments. If that’s all I take away from this spring break, I am completely okay with that! 

Enjoy and remember the simple things,

J

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Style

Me, today. 

My look today! I thought I’d share, was feeling comfy and cute. The weather is beautiful here in Pinehurst today but unfortunately I have my tax appointment soon. 

Face:

  • Ulta Double Duty Foundation
  • Ulta Voluptuous Volume Macara 
  • Maybelline Gel Liner
  • Ulta “Starlet” eyeshadow from Gilded Gold Pallete
  • L’Oreal I Pink You’re Cute Lipstick
  • Cole Haan Sunglasses 

Hair:

  • Straightened with Ultra Chi Flat iron
  • Capelli New York Stretch Lace Headwrap

Outfit of the Day:

  • Slouchy cargo pants (army green)
  • Basic light brown tee
  • Gladiator style sandal with taupe colored straps 











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Makeup

Baby I got wings!

As I have confessed before I am not a makeup expert, as much as I wish I was. However, I stumbled upon this fool-proof way to do a wing with eyeliner! I couldn’t stop thinking about how easy it would be to do if I just simply had a effin’ stencil. Wellll, I sort of created one on my own.

What you need:

1. Your eyes

2. Eyeliner with a brush! (I used Maybelline gel eyeliner)

3. Tape

4. Scissors

The Steps:

Start with..

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Cut off a small piece of tape. I cut mine in half a second time because I don’t have much space between my eyelash line and my eyebrows.

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Apply the small piece of tape diagonally outward. You can make the space between the tape and your eyelash line as large or small as you want.

Cut another small piece of tape or use the other half if you cut the original in two!

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Place the other piece of tape diagonally outward, this time below the eye. It should make a small triangle with the other piece of tape, and should touch the other piece. I apologize the pictures are not great…I have an iPhone 6 but some days I’m not sure why.

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Apply the eyeliner! You can apply as much as you want, the tape will pick up the extra. Make sure you apply to the entire “triangle” that was created by the two pieces of tape.

Remove the tape! Slowly pulling from one corner.

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And here you go! You have a winged eye! Keep in mind you can apply the tape in different angles to achieve a more or less intense wing.

And with the rest of my makeup done…

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Enjoy,

J

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