Simplicity at its finest

I haven’t been the happiest human for a long while now. My life is whirlwind of somewhat okay days, bad days, and on occasion a truly good day. I’m currently in graduate school, three hours away from my parents and hometown. I love my program, and wouldn’t change that part for the world, but if I could pick up my university and move it closer to home, things would be perfect. I’ve had my fair share of heartache over the last 5 years. All very different relationships, but one thing all the same: location. 

Home is my safe haven, the place where no one can hurt me. Regardless of the up and down relationship I’ve had with my parents, I could never forget the security I feel around them. At my lowest, my parents’ support never wavered. My mom is always a phone call away while I am at school, but thank you spring break for allowing me to spend the whole week in the same house as her! 

I didn’t make any elaborate plans for the week. I figured I’d just let it play out. Graduate school is no joke! I honestly think I could have spent the entire week sleeping, and I MIGHT have caught up on my long lost z’s. The only commitment I made this week was to a massage on Thursday, and a movie Friday night with my mom. 

Tonight was simply perfect! The weather was incredible, 70 degrees with a slight breeze. My parents and I decided to grill some chicken for dinner. My dad has had a medium sized garden on our farm my entire life, so we had corn on the cob from the garden (of course stock from last summer’s harvest). As my dad was grilling the chicken, we got out the four-wheeler and I rode around a little bit. 

We have a sun room in our house, so we sat in the sun room while we had our dinner. We had grilled chicken, corn on the cob, and delicious crescent rolls (with cheese and bacon of course). We had some great conversation while we ate, and even sat at the table longer than usual to enjoy the moment. 

After dinner my mom and I took a stroll with my puppy, whom by the way got a new bow tie collar that happens to look stunning on him! The sun was low and there was a perfect breeze, and we continued our conversation from dinner. 

We decided to go to a local bookstore and then to Dairy Queen for some sundaes. I got a copy of Still Alice (which I am probably going to start tonight before bed). 

Simplistic evenings like this make life seem so much more reasonable and pleasant. I have become so overwhelmed with battling anxiety and depression, on top of graduate school demands, that I forgot to just enjoy simple moments. If that’s all I take away from this spring break, I am completely okay with that! 

Enjoy and remember the simple things,

J

Liar Liar

I lied to you. Yes, that’s right I lied to you. I told you that I thought you were good, deeply good and that you were a wonderful person. You’re not. You’re cruel and you’re stupid. How many times can I let you back in? How many fucking times until I get it?  I have to say that I hope this is the time that makes it clear.

I supported you through anything and everything. I supported you through your mood swings, your substance abuse, your dis-ability to keep your dick in your pants. And above all, I loved you and trusted you. You threw that away. And for what? A subpar life, and remaining ignorant to your fucked-up-ness.

You need help. Help I’d never be able to give you. You’re unstable, and you fucking realize what you had and lost, yet are unable to fix yourself. You’re unable to do shit in order to make this relationship work. You’re unable to treat me like a fucking human being. You took me round and round on your emotional roller coaster. And I fucking loved every minute of it.

What the fuck is love though? I have no idea. I clearly didn’t love you, because by saying that I was under the impression that you actually fucking loved me back. OH WAIT. You do, supposedly, but what’s that to you? Nothing.

I’ve decided that someone needs to create a word meaning the ability to love and hate someone at the same fucking time. Because I love you, God I love you, but I hate who you’ve become. Do you even know who you are? Probably not. I’m sure that I know you better than you know your own self. Fuck that. Grow up, figure your shit out and do something.

It’s like you died, but you chose to. You chose to give up, and do what was easy.

You’re a piece of shit human being who uses people to get you through things. You used me to get over a shitty girl you forced yourself to date for three fucking years. You used my vagina. And you used me when you were feeling sad, because you knew I was the only who would understand.

Good luck finding the connection we had. Good luck finding a love like ours. Good luck living your life normally ever again. I hope you think of me every fucking day, and I hope you crave me. And I hope you eventually shed a tear.

You asked for closure? So here you go. You’ve given me plenty, too many times.

So goodbye asshole. And I sure as hell hope you’re happy, you chose this life.

Enjoy,

J